I write to you today from the increasingly familiar confines of my workplace shitchair. I’ve been wrestling this snake to the ground for a long time now and I’m hearing people return for the morning’s second round, effectively lapping your strained author. No matter as I’m preocupado, furiously clenching my door frame, crushing peas into what’s becoming a frothy split pea soup. (Side note: given its chiseled strength, I once considered nicknaming my exit door “The Nut Cracker” but immediately recognized the implication and decided it was a bad idea. I probably shouldn’t be writing this here.)
Today is another amalgamation of random facts and insights that are often true but rarely insightful. Let’s begin:
- We’ve all heard of cannabis-infused alcohol. Whatever. Too European for my refined New World palate. But let me spring a new one on you: alcohol-infused cannabis. Any guinea pigs willing to give it a try? Come on, who wants to be history’s first person to rip a phat bong before going home to beat their wife? You can be THE FIRST to violently kick your dog while simultaneously donning a rather clever Mexican Jerga hoodie.
- Quick side note: I’m just finishing up my bombing campaign in the water closet but as you know, nothing is done until the paperwork is finished. I stupidly look a little look-see and I have serious concerns about getting to my next meeting in time. Isn’t there some kind of hotline I can dial into to have someone calm my nerves and walk me through these perilous next 20 minutes?
- As some of you know, I’m the proud cis-father of a brilliant, kind, and obedient dog. I found out yesterday that two of her closer friends at doggy daycare have the best dog names ever: Duke and Pickles. I thought you should know.
- Arch Stanton once told me that the worst part about being a roller skater is telling your parents that you’re gay. (Although I’m guessing that if they heard I once considered naming my sphincter The Nut Cracker, I’d lose the element of surprise). Well, Arch, open your moist mouth because I have a hairy foot to jam in there. Enter Ferrari, God’s greatest gift to the world and Italy’s only gift to the world. Ferrari has launched Ferrari-branded Speed Skates and before you order your first pair, consider getting two. For a normal sized adult male, these will set you back about $500. Just make sure you get them in Ferrari Red.
- The lonely guys over at Fleshlight have your dong covered, and then uncovered then covered then uncovered then covered. Okay, I think that’s finished. Meet the Fleshlight Quickshot Launch. Per the oddly sticky marketing materials, “Lube up, lock in your Quickshot, and cue up your favorite clip on your smartphone. Now use the Quickshot Launch touch control system to command the length, depth, and speed of your strokes on the fly. The Quickshot Launch’s easy to use, light-up rocker switches allow you to adjust between four variable stroke lengths and stroke speeds, moving as quickly as 250 strokes per minute. If you want a more concentrated experience, shorten the stroke length and toggle through the three available pleasure zones – base, shaft, or tip. The universal smartphone mount on top gives you the option of viewing your favorite content while both hands are on the controls. With a full charge, your sessions can run as long as 60 minutes.” Feel free to watch their 3 minute launch video on YouTube.
- For those of you who get your cheap thrills from awe-inspiring cars, check THE FUCK OUT OF THIS 40 second video on the Ford GT at the Laguna Seca race track (fans of the Gran Turismo franchise will recognize this). Disregard the clown in the driver’s seat.
I realize this is a lot to throw in your face at once – particularly if you work for my local municipal sanitary and wastewater authority (and I do apologize). I hope you all enjoy digging in, or in the case of my local sanitation crew, digging out.
P.S., I’d like to congratulate Facebook on their positive earnings surprise as well as welcome Joe Biden to the 2020 race:
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