I begin today with a message to the top brass in our nation’s capital. To the big dogs. The big cheese. I’m talking Donny Trump. Wilbur Ross. Bobby Lighthizer. Steven Menuch… Steven Mnooch… the treasury secretary. My message is loud and my message is clear: YOU’RE FUCKING UP TRADE AND YOU’VE GOT THE WRONG MAN.
Our men in Washington have vilified and viciously targeted China as the primary culprit behind our country’s unfortunate position as a net importer of goods (note, we don’t validate the exchange of services in the Trump White House – particularly anything that’s currently under NDA… our president prefers tangible things that he can touch and feel, and grab). Here’s the problem with labeling China a trade manipulator: according to the U.S. Census Bureau, in 2017, the ratio of imports from China to exports to China was a mere 3.9:1.0. WHOOPTY DOO!!! According to that same source, the ratio of imports from the Faroe Islands to exports to the Faroe Islands was 59.3:1.0. FIFTY NINE TO ONE, PEOPLE. These motherfuckers off the Icelandic Coast have been piggy backing off our ingenuity and labor for too long. It’s time we show this population of 51,095 citizens what the fuck we can do to their makeshift economy. I want naval blockades surrounding their ports. All U.S. allies and trade partners slamming full and complete sanctions on each of their two industries (Tourism: Hiking and Tourism: Bird Watching). All banks to cease processing transactions in the Faroese Króna. The next time the CFO of Vodafone Faroe Islands steps foot on an extradition treaty ally’s soil, THROW THAT FUCKER BEHIND BARS WITHOUT OPPORTUNITY FOR BAIL. And if I ever, ever, ever hear about the Faroe Islands secretly buying North Korean coal on the black market, so help me Reagan. We’re going to beat these fuckers down until imports/exports is 1:1.
Woof. That was a heavy dose. So here’s something a bad hombre shared earlier this week:
Reagan damnit, this video gives me a Boehner. There’s only one song that I can think of after watching this future Senator wave the Stars and Stripes on repeat: it’s I Touch Myself by Divinyls.
I know that I’ve used this one before, but following this GIF, I have to again: I have come here to chew bubblegum and kick ass. And I’m alllll out of bubblegum.