My relationship to the Bachelor has been pretty incredible. After shittalking a roommate for watching it, I became a devoted fan within three episodes. By the time the next season came around, I wrote the first contestant breakdown review. That was four years ago. The last three seasons, I have watched the first two episodes where all the weirdos and psychopaths show up, and the last two to see who gets in on some producer-endorsing fucking in the FANTASY SUITE and to see everyone cry at the end because I love a happy ending. Otherwise, the show really get repetitive – front runner is established, then the villain (who is sometimes a straight up actual villain, like the guy trying to date a black girl but being openly racist to the other black contestants), then we slowly shed people who never had a chance until the front runner and bachelor hit a snag, only to end up exactly where we started. I’ve evolved past this show. I DEMAND MORE VANDERPUMP RULES!
That said, the bios are a biannual delight as we watch people try to impress America, I mean, the Bachelor with their intelligence, wit and charm in boilerplate answers. Nothing makes me feel more like an established adult than these puds trying to think of one book they’ve ever finished so they have an answer to “what is your favorite book?”
For those of you who are blissfully unaware of our Bachelor this season, it’s Colton. Colton doesn’t have much of what most people would call “a career”, and currently spends most of his time crying and talking about being a virgin (he played on like five NFL practice squads for a year). He is every bit the whiny bitch you think he is. The most redeeming thing this show has done in a while is move from “sympathetic lead” to “fuck it, pick the douche and let’s all shit on him.” To the contestants!
Alex B: A dog rescuer from Vancouver, BC who somehow made a business out of rescuing dogs. Since I wouldn’t dare slander dogs or people who devote themselves to rescuing them, we’ll instead talk about Alex B’s Billy Big Mouth Bass-sized mouth. It is ENORMOUS, and filled with so many teeth. Everything I’ve read on her made similar remarks and qualified it by feeling terrible because she is pro-dog. (NOTE – all of these people are far more beautiful than me and anyone I’ve ever met. Let me keep this kayfabe up please).
Alex D: A sloth from Boston. The bio doesn’t clarify if she is emblematic of the sin of sloth, or the personification of the three-toed slow move tree marsupial. Her bio goes on to brag about the Red Sox and Patriots. As a fan of these teams, this is exactly why everyone hates us. She’s very cute in a girl next door kind of way with an underlying streak of crazy. You could introduce her to your mom, who would love her until Alex showed her pictures of your sex tape.
Angelique: Marketing Salesperson from Hamilton, NJ. You know, you can say “saleswoman” when you are talking about yourself. I promise we won’t get offended. Claims to be a small-town girl from New Jersey, which is definitely not a thing. Loves corny jokes. I will not insult your dignity as a human being by reciting the joke she used, but just know I thought about killing myself after reading since it’s 5pm and already dark out.
Annie: Financial associate in New York City. The bio here is fascinating, raised on a farm in Wisconsin where she competed nationally for horse-riding (OUR FIRST HORSE GIRL) who went to the University of Alabama (roll ride?), and now works in New York City. Annie contains MULTITUDES. Going off the photo on her bio, she is a generic pretty blonde girl whose face you will forget immediately, but if you do some additional external scouting, she’s stunning.
Bri: Model from LA. But she’s more than a pretty face, her bio says! She loves all the most boring, white-girl-from-LA-shit, and chooses to complete her bio, which is public, which will be shown to her potential spouse-to-be, which will be read by everyone she’s ever met, by stating her biggest dating fear is farting too loudly. Let’s save the bodily functions discussion until the second date, Bri.
Caelynn: Miss North Carolina 2018, which isn’t really a profession, but shit when has that stopped anyone on this trash-ass show? Like Bri above, her bio also specifies she not your typical beauty queen! (Exclamation point theirs). She notes she once flew to Japan for a first date – I’m pretty sure home girl just admitted to being a high-end call girl. Has a chin like the Joker in the comic books.
Caitlin: Realtor from Toronto. Her whole bio says she enjoys photography, painting and singing in the shower. There’s not much here to mock. Her bio claims she is 25, but she looks like a MILF with a shockingly-old child.
Cassie: Speech pathologist from Huntington Beach, CA. I saw her picture and immediately thought ‘she looks like a New Age hippie’, and then read the bio that stated she grew up a native Californian on the beach and is an avid surfer. I’m not claiming to be a visionary, but I’m not NOT claiming it either. Looks like she had a pop song that peaked at #6 on TRL in 2002.
Catherine: DJ from Fort Lauderdale, FL. Like Cassie, I had this idiot pegged before getting to the bio. She looks like the most annoying and self-confident dumbass you know. You ever notice how the worst people you know are all bursting with self-confidence while the rest of us suffer? This, and Catherine, is proof that bullying has a lot of positive effects too. Catherine also has what she refers to as a “dog daughter”, so terrible decisions seem to be a lifestyle choice for her. Somehow managed to get her cleavage into her headshot, so she’s got hustle. Season villain.
Courtney: Caterer from Atlanta. Has quite a five-head thing going on. In fact, its more like a rapidly withdrawing hairline. Lebron James-headed-ass. Claims to craft healthy meal plans for athletes, which means Colton will definitely mention “YOU KNOW I WAS IN THE NFL” and we will all groan and sympathize with Courtney as she pretends to think this is somehow a suitable replacement for a genuine personality.
Demi: Interior Designer from Red Oak, TX. Adorable smile with strawberry blonde hair – this, coupled with what I presume is a Texas accent, means I am already in love with her. Her bio consists of an array of “country things,” including driving a stick shift. She can drive my stick shift that’s for damn sure. EVERYONE BE NICE TO MY FUTURE EX-WIFE.
Devin: Broadcast journalist from Medford, OR. Looks like she is pressing her face against a glass window. Graduated from Arizona State University, which means she probably already has a blossoming career in porn, or at least has an extensive history of STI’s obtained via body shots.
Elyse: Makeup artist from Soldotna, AK. Has red hair, so I will immediately ride for her. I was wondering what the market was for “makeup artist” in rural Alaska was, but her bio says she moved to Scottsdale, AZ so… I still don’t understand who is paying her. She probably did the makeup for Devin’s porno. Anyone who does makeup professionally is full of lies – no one knows what she actually looks like. She could be a wanted bank robber in five states for all we know under all that clown paint she has on.
Erika: Recruiter from Encinitas, CA. Has big cheeks, and states her friends refer to her as “the Nut” due to her vast reserves of energy and “great” sense of humor. Boasts she can eat whatever she wants without gaining weight. I have a hunch Erika thinks her bullshit is more endearing that it actually is. Let’s take 10-15% off the top here, Erika.
Erin: Plano, TX Cinderella. Her whole bio is a kitschy retread of the Cinderella story, and I can’t stand this idiot already. She concludes with how she loves pumpkin spice lattes. I hope she gets hit by a pumpkin carriage on her way out on the first night.
Hannah B: Miss Alabama 2018. Two Miss American contestants and they’re going to be wasted on this fucking boner. Also went to Alabama. Real pretty, but looks like she would be mean to me. Needless to say, I am very into her. Additional sources state she publicly speaks on her struggles with depression and anxiety, so expect the bottom-feeding producers to exploit this as a plot line as she will almost certainly hang on late into the season.
Hannah G: Content creator from Birmingham, AL. So two beautiful girls named Hannah from Alabama – Colton will fuck this up for sure. Says shes the photographer and model of her “burgeoning” social media business, which I somehow have a hunch is in desperate need of a good showing on this season of the Bachelor. Claims to be a foodie – I lived in Alabama for a year, and this is a very bad place to be a foodie unless you are into in-ground barbecue pits and, call it a hunch, this girl probably is not. She’ll go far as she is both hot and vain, which seem to be prerequisites for our Bachelor.
Heather: From Carlsbad, CA. Her profession is “never been kissed.” You know why that is, Heather? It’s because you have gigantic teeth. You look like Venom about to devour a henchman’s face. It like a cluster of satellite dishes. Heather seems like the type of girl who would talk about still being a virgin despite blowing fifteen different dudes by her sophomore year of high school and doing anal.
Adrianne “Jane”: That what her name is listed as – Adrianne “Jane.” What is this? Is it Adrianne or Jane? Is it both, and the quotations a required syntax? A social worker from West Hollywood. A friend and I were discussing – this show is definitely going to try to work in a transgender women into this show, because it is base and crass and 100% something this show would try to capitalize on, putting a contestant in a spot where his reaction will be heavily scrutinized and critiqued. No better subject than Colton! My bet is this girl, with the weird name from West Hollywood.
Katie: Medical sales rep from Sherman Oaks, CA. From LSU (geaux Tigahs!) where she competed on the dance team. Her face is too big for her head – there should be some space between the bottom of your mouth and your chin, or your eyebrows and your hairline, or the corners of your eyes and your ears. You ever get that weird sense of vertigo when you close your eyes and you get tunnel vision where everything seems simultaneously closer and farther away? That what Katie’s face is like. I found other pictures where she is definitely beautiful, so she should be pissed at whoever took this terrible photo.
Kirpa: Dental hygienist from Whittier, CA. This girl looks like she has crushing self-esteem issues, so I can relate. Her smile looks like someone desperate to please and anxious to not be yelled at. I hope you do well Kirpa – I hope you last long enough to retain your dignity but not so long you get sucked into the bullshit of thinking you actually care about this flaccid dildo.
Laura: Accountant from Dallas, TX. Once moved to Spain on a whim. That’s the whole bio. She looks pretty normal. Thank u, next.
Nicole: Social media coordinator from Miami, FL. Likes dancing and cooking and loves her mom yadda yadda yadda. Has a bit of a lazy eye – are you looking at me or is there something lurking behind me I should know about. Lives at home with her Cuban mother and grandmother. I dare you to find bigger red flags than that last sentence.
Nina: 30-year old sale account manager from Raleigh, NC. Looks like the type of stay-at home mom who would push her pyramid scheme work-from-home business on you every chance she gets, but is actually a Croatian refugee. In other words, far too humble and grounded in real life challenges and difficulties (and old, let’s not forget that) to win this stupid fucking show.
Onyeka: IT risk consultant from Dallas, TX. Grew up in Kansas with Nigerian parents who married after two weeks thirty-five years ago. Outside of what I would consider an over-anxious smile, seems like a pretty genuine person. Will get dumped in the first two weeks.
Revian: Nurse from Santa Monica, CA, but her bio states she’s an esthetician in LA. WHAT IS YOUR JOB REVIAN, STOP WITH ALL THE LIES! The first Asian contestant, and has platinum blonde hair, so looks like she’d be better situated as third or fourth fiddle in a K-pop group than as the token non-white/black contestant. There was an Asian guy on the last season of the Bachelorette who got dumped on the first night, and went on Bachelor in Paradise at which point he revealed he was actually one of the founding members of PayPal, and therefore loaded. Guess which token minority was suddenly the coolest kid at summer camp!
Sydney: NBA dancer from New York. Her bio claims she has had great success in her career, and hopes to replicate the success in love. She either dances for the Brooklyn Nets or the New York Knicks, two of the most trash teams in the NBA. Let’s not go overboard with “career success” as one of the only pretty people to show up for an audition for a job no one else wanted. Claims to have never had a boyfriend despite being very pretty which means either a. there is no hope for any of us, or b. is a huge red flag.
Tahzjuan: Business development associate from Castle Pines, CO. Has a tattoo that says “I love bad ideas,” which is suitable as she is now a contestant to be humiliated on national television. States she loves reading, but somehow I have a hunch she really just needed a third thing to round out her list of favorite things.
Tayshia: Phlebotomist from Corona del Mar, CA. Part of me thinks “hey, a real job, good for you!” and the the other part of me is thinking “you’re a low-rent nurse, let’s it dial back with the big words.” You may confound these other moutherbreathers, but not me. I see through your bullshit Tayshia.
Tracy: Wardrobe stylist in LA. Looks like an out-of-place witch. Moved from NYC to LA to be closer to the celebrities. Wore a sportcoat in her profile picture like a 1992 Reba McEntire, so maybe stylist isn’t the career for her. Has already been dragged on Twitter for “fat-shaming” and for shitting on how dumb reality tv is. The offending tweets in question… really not that bad, but the internet mob demands outrage! At 32, the oldest contestant, and might as well be in it for the FitTea sponsor rather than pretend she’s actually going to waste her withering uterus on teaching this virgin how to use his dick.
Let do this all again on January 7.