Everyone knows North Korea’s leaders (Kim Il-song, Kim Jong-il and Kim Jong-un) have an array of special titles, but they have more than you’d think. Like, WAY more. Many are simple modifiers on a title, whether normal or imagined. North Korean media is required to use one of these when addressing their leader in a publication, and is encouraged (read: also required) to bold their name or use a larger font. I wanted to rank them because I love ranking things, and because it’s important to know what to call our benevolent overlord after the impending war caused by our saber-rattling septuagenarian. Just kidding! We’ll all be swallowed whole in a nuclear hellfire before that! Let’s get to it already.
Amazing Politician: At first blush, you’d think this was an honor, but stop and think about it for a minute – an amazing politician is someone who is dishonest and manages to shoehorn their way into every topic regardless of their stance and is all-around terrible. This is basically saying, “you have a lot in common with Ted Cruz”. Fuck no.
Superior Person: What? It seems very half-assed. North Korea, I expect better from you… said no one ever.
Savior: I like my cult leader titles to be a little less on the nose.
Supreme Leader of the Nation
Beloved and Respected Leader: Why are there so many modifiers for ‘leader’? it’s a very modest title, but if we’re going to use it, I will take two compliments rather than just one.
Fate of the Nation: Sounds like a lot of pressure. No thanks.
Commander-in-Chief: America let a fat idiot who is scared of stairs (http://thehill.com/homenews/media/325280-cnn-reporter-is-trump-afraid-of-stairs) use this term. No thanks.
Sun of the Communist Future: Here is the part of the list consisting of heavy-handed endorsements of communism which, hard pass.
Leader of the Party, the Country and the Army
Great Leader of our Party and of our Nation
Sun of Socialism
Leader of the Party and the People
Eternal General Secretary of the Party
Highest Incarnation of the Revolutionary Comradeship: If we’re going to embrace the communist monikers, let’s REALLY commit to it at least.
Great Man, Who is a Man of Deeds: I mean – what? He does deeds? Are they dirty deeds? Are they done dirt cheap? If any outlet uses this title, someone’s getting sent to a prison camp because this is a total cop-out. “Kim Jong-un, he does things” – get the fuck outta here.
Shining Star of Paektu Mountain: I don’t know what Paektu Mountain is, but I have a hunch it’s fake.
Bright Sun of Juche: Also fake.
Bright Sun of Pudank: Definitely fake.
Dear Father: Sounds like a weird Nicholas Sparks fan-fiction.
Father of the Nation
Father of the People
Guarantee of the Fatherland’s Unification: I hate the use of “guarantee” as a noun. I base this opinion on absolutely nothing of substance or verifiable reason.
Symbol of the Fatherland’s Unification
General: Needs more gusto.
Great General: Better.
Beloved and Respected General: THERE it is.
Great Marshall: Bland.
Great Defender: Leaves a lot to the imagination. Thanks for defending us from… freedom of speech? Democracy? Food that isn’t dirt?
Leader of the Revolutionary Armed Forces: “Revolution” is such a gaudy term. It suggests being a part of the proletariat at one point in the past. Not us, we are sophisticated people of good breeding and can have no such stink on us.
Mastermind of the Revolution: You can call Kim Jong-un the mastermind of a revolution that happened twenty-four or twenty-five years before he was born, because that makes total sense. Also I just learned that no one knows his actually birthday – he is either 34 or 35, and there is a lot of debate on this. You learned something today!
His Excellency: Solid, but infringes heavily on the Pope, who’s got his own shit going on right now. I’m about cultivating positive PR, and we don’t need to get the stink of the Catholic Church all over us.
Sun of the Nation: Eh.
Great Sun of the Nation: Oh fuck yeah, much better.
Great Man, Who Descended from Heaven: Feels kind of blasphemous doesn’t it? I can dig it.
Glorious General, Who Descended from Heaven: ACTUALLY blasphemous.
The Great Sun of Life: In a sea of vastly over dramatic claims, “Sun of Life” is TOO much.
Leader of the 21st Century: Feels ho-hum, does it not?
Bright Sun of the 21st Century: You’re just describing the sun – no shit it’s bright, that’s literally what a sun is.
Great Sun of the 21st Century: ‘Great Sun’ I can definitely work with though.
World Leader of the 21st Century: There we go. I am all about being the apex of a new world order.
Guiding Star of the 21st Century: NOOOOOPE quasi-deified leader is much better.
Guiding Sun Ray: Got a real cult vibe to it, which fits in my life goal of having my own cult. Don’t worry, you’ll all get an invitation.
Invincible and Triumphant General: ‘Invincible’ is such an incredibly ballsy modifier. Do you think people roll their eyes (figuratively, lest they have them literally plucked from their skull) when they hear that? Like… we all know he definitely isn’t invincible, but we all have to pretend anyway. Everyone called his dad invincible, and then he just… left? Went to a farm upstate? He died! He definitely wasn’t invincible! Plus, triumphant is fantastic too – this five foot five inch chubby internet troll has only been triumphant against his generals when he makes them play Warcraft with him.
Ever-Victorious, Iron-Willed Commander: ‘Ever-victorious’, like North Korea has ever won a war. ‘Iron-Willed’ is great though. Credit where it’s due.
Party Centre: This is what I like to think people say about me when I show up at the bar.
Dear Leader, Who is a Perfect Incarnation of the Appearance that a Deader Should Have: I will not attempt to mask my tremendous vanity. Please refer to me as “Dear Leader, who is a perfect incarnation of the appearance that a leader should have Arch Stanton” going forward. I will not respond to anything else.