Arch Stanton Guest Post: Seventies Hairstyles: A Fictional History

I’m not even going to pretend I have a premise for this beyond I wanted you to look at these resplendent haircuts and an excuse to gush about them. Let’s investigate!

1. We start casually. This guy was on the board of his fraternity – and yes, it is a fraternity, not a frat – and was the terribly serious member that no one really liked having around. He always got huffy when people were drinking and smoking weed in the chapter house. He only got in because he was a legacy and Rog, his older brother, was a legend. A FUCKING LEGEND BRO. Rog once drank a bottle of Jim Beam and threw the bottle through the Sig Ep’s front window, and was responsible for bringing Blowjob Stacey into the house. Blowjob Stacey gave so many blowjobs you guys, and Rog was responsible for all it. Did you heard she died? Really sad dudes. RIP Blowjob Stacey.

What we’re we talking about? Oh yeah, this dude sucks. Not as much as Blowjob Stacey, but still pretty hard.

2. This is an unfrozen caveman. This is an unfrozen caveman who has developed modern mannerisms and has gone on to establish a faithful following of people who believe he can educate them about living modern life to the fullest. Before long, this following has grown alienated from society and turned into what many would consider a cult. The followers don’t care, and therefore don’t notice as his daily wisdom devolves into more delusional lines of thinking. Before long, they are mapping Brezhnev’s speeches and Johnny Carson’s monologues against the astral alignments for wisdom. The wisdom guides them to hold orgies or commit petty crimes that would benefit Our Benevolent Eye (his nae for himself), but sometimes results in carjacking or kidnapping for ransom. One night, during a Tonight Show featuring Charles Grodin, the caveman addresses his charts and announces the Final Prophecy – to assassinate Sonny and Cher. Our Benevolent Eye despises “I Got You Babe”. The caveman and his followers head to Altamont Speedway to murder the iconic duo, but things go awry when the caveman is stabbed to death by the Hell’s Angels during the Rolling Stones set (https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Altamont_Free_Concert).

3. This is the original cosplaying fanboy, masquerading as Spock much to his friends’ chagrin. When told Spock doesn’t slick his sideburns forward, he tells you Spock also doesn’t get as much pussy as he does, and pushes his fingers under your nose. You don’t know what it’s supposed to smell like, but you’re definitely repulsed.

4. This guy was the lead singer in a soft rock band your mom loooooooooved. The delicate mustache. The soft vocals. The luscious feathered mane. The sensual lyrics. The pants that were unconformable snug in all the right places, yet still billowing around the ankles. Your mom lost her virginity to this guy’s voice, and your dad hates his band to this day because of it.

5. A foreign-exchange student from Holland. He is terribly creepy in the sense he weirdly pressures women into letting him “please them” in broken English. Once the willies subside, you see he’s kind of charming and sweet in a nonthreatening, foreign way. He is a regular feature at the dive bar everyone frequents and tags along to all the parties despite not offering anything by the way of group dynamic and never bringing his own weed. Somehow does well in all his classes despite not understanding the language. No one knows where he lives, or how he gets money, but his accent is pretty funny so everyone lets him stick around.

6. The local attorney. A bit of a smug prick, but he did bail you out after you punched that cop in the Howard Johnson’s parking lot. His chubby wife is a fixture at every social event, and is subsequently the town gossip despite having an affair he knows nothing about with the local pastor. He gets a new car every year and gets annoyed people aren’t more impressed. His lapels… man, he’s got the biggest lapels you’ve ever seen. They’re like the deck of an aircraft carrier. The look like the spokes of a windmill. You could hang glide off them. Thinks of himself as a more charming Matlock. He is not.

7. “Guys do I look like Ringo? He’s definitely the coolest Beatle. When he’s headlining world tours on his own with a backing band made up of Paul McCartney and George Harrison, and fucking Barbara Bach, you’ll all think, ‘wow that guy was so right'”. Was only partially right (http://ultimateclassicrock.com/ringo-starr-barbara-bach/). Definitely talked frequently about how terrible a Bond Roger Moore was, but thinks George Lazenby was better than Sean Connery, if only because he thinks he’s totally nailing the post-Bond Lazenby haircut. The guy who’s also just a tad too drunk or just a bit too high to be pleasurable to hang out with. Will definitely try to bang your girlfriend the minute you leave the room to take a leak. Destined to end up driving a windowless van in the eighties and be arrested for public indecency. If he was this age today, he would be a men’s rights activist and frequent 4chan poster.

8. A minor character in “Boogie Nights”, thinking this will be his big break into porn. Eventually ends up settling being a stand-in for Herman Munster. Dabbles in picture #2’s following, but only for the drugs and girls, managing to duck out before getting wrapped up in the real weird stuff. Ultimately ends in a coastal Mexican town where he is referred to as “El Puto”, which he thinks is an endearing nickname that translates into “the Legend “. It does not.

9. The pastor of the local church. Your mom thinks he’s charming because he always makes a big deal out of her oatmeal raisin cookies for the bake sale, and your dad thinks he’s a huge boner. He is convinced he has the key to appealing to the youth, which involves rapping during Sunday school – “Hey I’m your pastor and I’m here to say / I’m want to show my love for Jesus everyday / I wrote this for the Christian youth / so I can show them the Christian truth”. Is indirectly responsible for the rise of picture #2’s cult as well as a few unaffiliated Satanic cults. Is plowing picture #6’s wife and thinks he’s so sly despite that time someone saw them together behind the local hardware store. Eventually is relocated as part of the church’s cover-up for past sexual abuses. Does the same. exact. shit. in the next town.

10. Plays bass in #4’s band, and is super resentful of all the ass he pulls. Reconciles by doing dump truck loads of cocaine with the roadies. Eventually comes to terms he is gay, and becomes a star of the disco scene and serves as the inspiration for “Rhinestone Cowboy”. Does not survive into the eighties on account of all the cocaine.

11. This is a relocated Colombian soccer player who had to flee the country due to some suspicious ties to drug lords. He loves disco, but eventually bails on the whole scene after realizing it’s populated by homosexuals and minorities, despite he himself being a minority. Puts the idea in picture #8’s mind that “El Puto” is an awesome nickname, and proceeds to constantly tell everyone about how funny about it. Works as a line chef in the Mexican restaurant the next town over because he is the only person who speaks Spanish, and the owners want the credibility that comes with employing the only Hispanic man in the tri-county area. Despite being broke and a kind of an asshole, always shows up with the best looking women who sustain his lifestyle and that immaculate perm.

12. A British expatriate that talks about football all the time, but when you try to bring up OJ Simpson or Joe Namath, he starts talking about what a waste of talent George Best is. No one knows who George Best is. Constantly smokes cigarettes and drinks his warm beer alone at the end of the bar while complaining about the other patrons and the music. A bit too flip with slurs even for the time period, so people tend to avoid him and let him sulk by himself. Everyone figures he would be friends with picture #5, but he haaaaaaaaates #5. That’s fine because everyone would much rather hang out with #5 than listen to this guy prattle on about the Clash. No one likes the fucking Clash man, just learn to accept that this bar only plays Bob Seger and the Allman Brothers.

13. I’m pretty sure this guy was in Spinal Tap. Edgar Winter would crib his look in later years. Talks all the time about all the girls he gets and all the awesome drugs he gets, but when pressed on either, points out the girls are from a few towns over and travel a lot and you wouldn’t know them, or how you’re too unsophisticated to appreciate his drugs. He gets all his drugs from high school kids hiding from picture #9. Tries to flirt with high school girls who want nothing to do with him, but will fleece him of his cash. Later moves into a trailer park at the edge of town where he frequently recalls his glory days to anyone who will listen, despite everyone knowing his glory days were lame. Never picks up on the fact no one wants to talk to him.

14. The town simpleton. He bags groceries at the local chain, but might as well be the town mayor because he is everyone’s best friend. Mows lawns on the weekends for a bit of extra cash, but always manages to stop by to talk to your grandma because you are a selfish jerk who won’t do it. Eventually gets wrapped up solving mysteries with Scooby Doo and the Gang, before retiring from busting wealthy old men for trying to make money and inventing the Pet Rock. Retired to California with his lovely wife and children before deciding to get back out there and test his business acumen, and invents the pool noodle. This beautiful idiot is the most successful person you know, and you still continue to wish the best for him.

15. Thinks of himself as the funniest person in town despite no one else sharing this belief. His parents wish he would just use his bright mind and go to med school, but insists on honing his comedian routine. His comedian routine eventually devolves into a ventriloquist bit, which kinda works for him for a bit, leading him to travel all over the country. He goes to Sioux Falls! Youngstown! Amarillo! Bangor! Falls in love with his puppet.

16. Taking over his dad’s car dealership, although fancies himself a poet. Still fawns over his high school love even though she married the town jock and is divorced with two kids. She still wants nothing to do with him. Saves all his work in the hopes of becoming published one day, even though subconsciously he knows his best hope is posthumous fame once a more civilized and understanding culture prevails in decades to come. He lets his family push him into a loveless marriage with a woman who refers to her cats as her children, and slogs through life before becoming of local lore after murdering four people at a local restaurant before turning the gun on himself.

Yeesh. This got bleak. Haha #11 looks like Jack Black in Nacho Libre!