– The nine best Queen songs are better than the five best songs of any other band in history (“Bohemian Rhapsody”, “Save Me”, “Don’t Stop Me Now”, “Crazy Little Thing Called Love”, “We Are the Champions”, “Fat Bottomed Girls”, “Somebody to Love”, “Another Bites the Dust” and “Killer Queen”). These can be swapped out for at least five others and still remain true.
– I still don’t understand why I needed to learn trigonometry.
– Being intelligent doesn’t mean you are smart.
– If you pay attention, the Grinch doesn’t actually hate Christmas, he just hates people. I identify with the Grinch.
– Non-chronological feeds or timelines are bullshit – WHY WILL INSTAGRAM NOT HEAR MY CONCERNS.
– Saying “#winning”, “like a boss” or “adulting” means you definitely aren’t.
– Seinfeld is infinitely better than Friends.
– Having strong opinions on bourbon or craft beers is a shoddy alternative to having a real personality.
– Avoiding foods with GMOs is the same as being anti-vax.
– Strip clubs are the worst idea, until they are the best idea.
– Harambe will never stop being funny.
– Trial by combat should be a socially acceptable alternative to litigation.
– Taco Bell is delicious (is this even a controversial opinion?)
– You shouldn’t get tattoos that are exposed above the neck line or below the sleeves of a dress shirt. I didn’t think “not getting tattoos on your hands, neck and face” was controversial, but here we are.
– It’s pronounced “JIF”.
– Free speech is whatever your employer says it is.
– Queens of the Stone Age will be recognized as one of the greatest bands of our generation.
– Everyone who uses the modifier “back in the day…” in order to demonstrate how things used to be better are naive or uninformed and just paranoid now.
– I’d rather be wet than have to carry around an umbrella all day.
– We should encourage public displays of affection.
– Cultural appropriation isn’t a thing. You can’t call America a melting pot if everyone else’s culture gets distilled but the one’s you like.
– I will never be as excited for anything again the rest of my life as I used to be about Scholastic book fairs in elementary school. Sorry future wife and kids.
– Nickelback is not the worst band ever. I will listen to Nickelback for the rest of my life rather than a moment of a Coldplay or Train or Imagine Dragons.
– Bacon: vastly over appreciated.
– Flat Earthers are the funniest people on the internet.
– I don’t care what Chick-fil-A’s stance is on marriage. In fact, I don’t care what any corporation’s political stance is.
– The best part of Trump being elected was Anthony Scaramucci. I’ll miss you, my sweet prince.
– “Bye Bye Bye” by *NSYNC is the best boy band song, but the next ten are all by the Backstreet Boy (“I Want it That Way”, “The One”, “Never Break Your Heart”, “All I Have to Give”, “Larger than Life”, “Show Me the Meaning”, “The Call”, “Everybody (Backstreet’s Back)”, “As Long As You Love Me” and “Shape of My Heart” are all better than “It’s Gonna Be Me”).
– Taylor Swift is attractive. We have all grown too comfortable shitting on her that this needs to be reiterated.
– “Mad Men” > “The Sopranos” > “the Wire” > “Breaking Bad”.
– The meat section of the grocery story is really just a terrible zoo if we’re being honest.
– If the Second Amendment doesn’t apply to assault rifles, then the First Amendment doesn’t apply to the internet.
– Hunter S Thompson – not that great a writer.
– “Happy Endings” deserves praise and a following after its cancellation like “Arrested Development” or “Party Down”.
– Modern country music is really just pop music, and equally formulaic and recycled.
– Physical books are better than ebooks or books on tape.
– Randy Moss > Jerry Rice.
– Whatever TV show or band you are extremely nostalgic about probably wasn’t very good. Just accept that nostalgia does not equal quality, and that’s fine, but stop trying to say bad things are good.
– No politician is your friend. None of them think about you as more than a statistic and they would just as prefer you die than talk to you directly.
– Look, I like Chrissy Teigen too, but we do’t need to fawn over every single thing she says and does.
– None of you have Asperger’s.
– Derek Jeter was a subpar second baseman.
– The internet makes us dumber rather than vice versa.
– No on Oxford commas. I KNOW AND UNDERSTAND THEY ARE NECESSARY FOR CONTEXT AND IN ORDER TO MAKE SENSE I STILL DON’T LIKE IT.
– Receiving gifts is stressful.
– There should be an aptitude test for voting. The left and right would each lose a chunk of their base, but school curriculum would scramble to teach useful information.
– Being into Star War is not a suitable replacement for a personality.
– Pizza is not Italian food. In a similar vein, flatbreads are fucking garbage.
– The door-raft would have sunk had Rose made room for Jack.
– Serving in the military, or being a police officer, or a firefighter, or a teacher, or a nurse does not inherently make you a hero and worthy of praise.
– Adam West was the best Batman.
– We should be using nuclear power far more than we currently are.
– “The Sandlot” is a boring movie.
– I’ve had enough of James Corden’s bullshit.
– The Office isn’t funny.
– There should be an aptitude test in order to have children.
– Harry Potter should have ended up with Hermoine instead of Ginny.
– The Harry Potter books aren’t THAT good, and you should grow up if they remain the best books you’ve ever read.
– The government (state or federal) should provide free birth control. This will solve a lot of down stream issues. (Disillusioned Dilettante addition: “upstream” issues too! This joke may have landed on a slippery slope and is now just haphazardly fallopian around)
– Ed Sheeran seems like a pretty cool guy.
– Superhero movies are kinda boring, but they’re the only thing anyone will remember about this era of movies.
– Whatever food you like is fine.
Disillusioned Dilettante Additions:
Thank you, Mr. Stanton. I loved these and agree with most.
You’re right, The Office wasn’t funny, craft beers suck, Scholastic book fairs were the shit, bacon is overrated, The Sandlot sucked, Hunter Thompson wasn’t a great writer (but neither are we), Ed Sheeran is probably a cool guy, Taco Bell is amazing, physical books are far better than eBooks, and people who say “back in the day” and are younger than 70 are just morons.
You’re wrong, I’d rather have an umbrella than get wet (just like Christopher Robin), Imagine Dragons and Train are far better than Nickelback, who the F is Chrissy Teigen, Oxford commas make more sense and look better, um, that’s it.
Let me provide some additional controversial opinions of my own:
– The aisle seat is infinitely better than the window seat. And fuck people sub 5’10” who think they’re entitled to armrests. Can’t they bring their own, personal booster armrests?
– Queen is the GREATEST band that ever lived and Freddie had the GREATEST mustache that ever lived. We all know that Sean Connery’s chest hair is my spirit animal, but Freddie’s mustache is my spirit nut brush. (Slightly related, think of the famous dongs that thing graced.)
– Public transportation is best left to nerds and lesbians. I only take it because it’s by far the most convenient mode of transportation for my commute.
– Hunting animals is depressing, disgusting, and undignified. Unless it’s British fox hunting, then it’s the shit!
– The beach blows balls. Sand everywhere. Sun doesn’t “feel good” like most idiots will have you believe. Swimming in the water is pointless unless there’s a real activity. Sand fucking everywhere.
– New England sucks. It’s a beautiful region and the hunting is absolutely terrific, but the people suck donkey dick (and I don’t say that to be an ass). Cocky, arrogant swine, better left to their craft beers and American futball.
– Does anyone watch hockey? Anyone?
– Celebrities always have opinions. I. Don’t. Care.
– Johnny Cash, while sounding great, is overrated. This one pained me to write but it’s true.
– People who hide behind their blogs while spitting out antiquated opinions and worthless vitriol are cowards
– Rollerblading, while a bit gay, is still absolutely awesome.
– I don’t know what “food culture” is and I don’t care to find out.
– The ONLY reason a trip to Europe seems even REMOTELY appealing to me is because of Jeremy Clarkson, Richard Hammond, and James May. Thank you, Top Gear, for opening up my mind to European cultures.
– Grand Tour sucks compared to Top Gear.
– Fuck Ellen Pao.
– There was a time when watching The Simpsons was an enjoyable experience. And although I haven’t seen an episode in 10 years, I’ve been disappointed for 20 and imagine it’s still filth.
– If you’re not an engineer, doctor, lawyer, or financier, you don’t work a demanding job and “too busy” is a bullshit excuse for anything. NEXT. QUESTION.
– If you don’t take lunch at your desk, you don’t have a demanding job.
– NINE NINE NINE, Make American Great Again, and Rent is Too Damn High are the great political messages of our time.
– My palms were hairy before I started masturbating.
– Social media is just a platform for scum to boast about their questionable achievements. Get off the media and back to taking two hour lunches at the bistro, away from your “demanding job.”
– John Wayne is better than Clint Eastwood. (I’m so, so, so sorry, Clint. Please forgive me)