Happy Friday to both of you. Due to time constraints, I plan to hearken back to my Germanic roots and plow through this post with unprecedented speed and efficiency. In order to pay my respects to two great nations, today’s song of the day is Amerika by Rammstein. Before I forget: I’d give my virginity to the man who finds me a pair of Reagan Bush ’84 croakies.
1) Kicking it off with a common theme on Musings and Malarkey. WHY THE FUCK DOES OHIO DO THIS TO ITSELF?!? A professor once told me that the primary difference between humans and animals (okay, another solid song of the day: The Bad Touch by the Bloodhound Gang) is that humans feel shame. Apparently not in Ohio.
I can’t stand driving in Ohio. I’m on the road and I have an asshole in front of me and a dick behind me. It’s one big fucking daisy chain except no one here cares about my dick. And this seriously has to be the whitest town in America ever since Augusta National Golf Club started allowing blacks. (Can I say that?)
Heard an ad on the radio for the following URL. How is this a real URL?!? How dense can these people be? www.CincinnatiNorthernKentuckyHondaDealers.com/
2) There’s a first time for everything. Playboy’s (this was a nudie magazine in high volume circulation prior to the advent of the internet and brazilian fart porn) first issue was released in December 1953… 64 years later and we have the first time in history where we ACTUALLY need a centerfold:
Somewhat related: while watching porn, do you completely lose all interest as soon as the porn star pulls out a condom? I do. FFS, be dedicated to your craft. Ughhhh, fine, scratch that. Gator’s bitches better be using jimmies!!! Tangent: who else gets filled with creamy glee as soon as they see the word “reluctant” in a porn title?
Apparently, Amy was “always really confident.” Cute! I’d probably bang. But only if I could put paper bags over those cankles.
3) This is more informative in nature. For my homies who like caffeine, this is purely caffeine – no nicotine or tobacco – and you can swallow it so no need to spit. I’m not a dipper/chewer but I may get hooked on these. Caramel was a good taste. Caramel coffee pouches, that is… From what I hear, usually the caramels go for the menthols.
Whoops, nearly forgot about another helpful hint. You should go out and download the Genius Scan app. It’s free. It’s on your phone. You can take photos that automatically convert to PDFs. Very helpful while on the road and without a scanner and the quality is actually good. Use this app, you’ll thank me.
4) Presented without comment. UGHHHH I wanna comment so bad. I’ll refrain.
5) Largest bass caught in Texas lake using McDonald’s chicken McNugget. How long before the Bass sues McDonald’s for finding a fingernail in it’s McNuggets? Pardon the Fox News, that was the first link to come up.
6) Found a rear-wheel drive scrotum in Chicago last week:
7) Y’all know I fucking love Pickleball. Check out what I stumbled upon:
8) This next one is sure to offend! My dad left me a voicemail. Somehow, “he’s looking for an Illinois based bank to buy with about $150 million in assets under management” became the following:
One of the partners at my firm is black so this deal could be perfect for us…
9) With regard to the following, as the Meditative Mandarin put it, “I do enjoy how the liberal narrative on this is whipsawing just as much as Trump”:
10) I recently heard a story about McDonald’s in which a child vomited in the play area ball pit and it mixed in with the balls such that no one noticed the issue for days. Now you’ve got to ask yourself: what do you search for when looking for someone to fix the problem? Do you hop on Craigslist and search for “Ball Cleaners?” I’m guessing they’ll have a lot of 5 star and a lot of 1 star ratings… Top ten items of the day, and that’s all, folks!
11) But this posting goes up to eleven… Donald Trump is the best example of why the abortion debate is all fucked up. Are you pro-choice supporters seriously arguing about the timing cutoff for abortions? If we could’ve just increased the cutoff from first trimester to allowing parents to abort their children up to the age of 13, Fred may have played his cards differently and today we wouldn’t be exiting the Paris Climate Accord like a bunch of myopic state schoolers. On the plus side (see also: Amy Schumer), the Donald’s Accord antics have distracted the media at home from the Kushner-Russia ties and the obstruction of justice with Comey. Can’t we get back to the real issues, like the Dakota Access Pipeline and it’s impact on the native Sioux? Or should we drop it and just agree that apples (the Sioux) and oranges (the Donald) don’t mix?
Well, I’m back to work and to listening to my playlist. Queen is #7 on the list: and if you look at this comment in a vacuum, it sounds more like Train. I leave you with a product plug for my American-made finance/gaming friends:
Well, I just pounded one out and now I’m headed to rip a fatty while tearing one off. Enjoy your weekend!
Musings and Malarkey 
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