The Bachelor: A Guest Post by Arch Stanton

I have recently got way too into the Bachelor, and they just released the cast of wannabes, and I spent waaaaaaay too long writing this.

I got way too excited when I saw the cast for this season was released. And only four days before the premier! So much to consider in so little time! Let’s see who is here to pick up a couple thousand followers on Instragram, a protein supplement sponsorship and a future life as a D-list celebrity find love!

Adam:  His most embarrassing moment was telling his mother he was going on the Bachelorette, which is probably pretty accurate. The most romantic present he’s ever received was a threesome, which, good for him I suppose, and probably replaces “going on the Bachelorette” as the most embarrassing thing he’s had to tell his mom. His hair looks like a Brillo pad.

Alex: What the fuck is that haircut? It’s like Jordan Rodgers fucked a light socket. Ate a live salamander once. I’m sure there’s a story behind that, but I really don’t give a shit. His three favorite bands are the Beatles, Coldplay, and couldn’t think of a third because “music isn’t a big part of my life.” This has to be the first time any human being has said that. I meant the actually-enjoying-Coldplay part. They have to be the worst band on the planet. Nickelback has a target audience, and that audience isn’t me, but it’s basically sonic wallpaper that I can ignore if I hear. Coldplay is like auditory punishment of just generic trash. What if we took Radiohead, but made it for illiterate high school girls who want to seem deep? Coldplay. Plus, Chris Martin hooked up with Jennifer Lawrence and is 50% responsible for the term “conscious uncoupling.” My hatred for Coldplay is endless, and by proxy, Alex. Fuck you Alex, and fuck you Coldplay.

Anthony: Describes himself as “the laid back one that turns into the party starter as the night goes on” – so a lush in other words. Took a job teaching English in Indonesia, got a Fulbright Grant to teach in the Ivory Coast, read Haruki Murakami – frontrunner because he seems like a real human being rather than a sentient haircut. Yes I’m still pissed at Alex. Has no limits to what he’ll do in the bedroom if there’s a connection – I am going to interpret this as an interest in pegging. He could win if Rachel doesn’t mind that he looks like Shrek.

Blake E: His occupation is “aspiring drummer.” ASPIRING. Dude. I Googled “drumset” and you can get one for like $400.00. There is no reason to aspire, you can go get one for cheaper than the cost of a new phone. Stop aspiring and just apply yourself to something. I sound like my dad. I really want to figure out why he can’t just be a drummer instead of aspiring to be one, but said he was engaged for 48 hours, which really needs to be addressed. I’m sure this will be featured in an episode that involves him crying or coming off like a douchebag, which if we’re being fair, is how every single dude will end up looking by the time their run on this show is over. Said parking ticket people have no souls – harsh, but fair.

Blake K: Most admires his mother, which I’m sure he will try to parlay into being a feminist in a later episode. Chipotle is his life. Dream bigger, friend. Said he wouldn’t eat monkey brains for love – that is oddly specific. Is scared of sharks – this is fair, because they are literally prehistoric monsters bred exclusively to kill, and will result in him swimming with sharks on a date should he be fortunate enough to get that far. Spoiler – he won’t, because he’s Asian.

Brady: Male model, but judging on the picture, the non-threatening type you would see in a Kohl’s flyer your mom would think is handsome but probably gay. His least favorite three things to do on a date are 1. Pay for everything, 2. Say goodnight, and 3. Get an Uber that doesn’t speak English. This escalated quickly. Moved to Milan for two months – THIS is a story I want to hear. Why only two months? That’s not very long. Did he go trying to be a runway model only to wash out? I met a girl who once moved to New York City for two months – she quit her job and didn’t tell her family, and immediately ran out of money upon getting there and ended up moving back in with her family. This has nothing to do with Brady but seemed related.

Bryan: Has a face that looks familiar, in the sense I want to punch him for no real reason. Says he enjoys the Bachelor franchise because of the social interaction between a man and a woman as they evolve from dating to a relationship to marriage. Bryan, you’re already on the show you don’t need to kiss the producers’ ass anym – actual yeah, if you want to last more than two weeks, you should definitely start kissing ass now, since they rest of this bio is boring. This means he’s probably normal.

Bryce: Has the face of a Minecraft character. Seriously, you could slap a little bit of mortar on his forehead and use it as a brick. Firefighter. Describes himself as the “laidback shot of gasoline when the fire starts to die.” Caught a girl’s hair on fire during sex. First, congrats on the boning. Second, this guy is a pyromaniac masquerading as a firefighter to avoid detection – the Dexter of firefighters. In describing himself as a lover, he said he is “a fresh drink of water with a jolt of lightning” – Rachel, do not have sex with this man. He will electrocute you and/or set you on fire, but he definitely will not make you cum.

Dean: Looks like a minor character in a Jughead comic. Occupation is “startup recruiter” – I’m not clear on what position entails. Wants to push the limits of what he and date would be comfortable with, but is VERY CLEAR that this does not entail biting. Archie does not want to be bit. When asked “what does being married mean to you?,” responded with a spiel about an institutionalized sham derived from religious beliefs that’s a life-long commitment. This dude should read up on what he is signing up for because this is a sham for entirely different reasons, namely in that it is not life-long. I am at 1,000 words already and there is still so much to go.

DeMario: Likes attention, but not like ’07 B. Spears or ’11 Sheen. Wants a relationship like “Beyonce and Jay Z, because Bey and Jay = everyone’s relationship goals”. I swear that’s written verbatim. I didn’t think it was possible, but yes, a black guy can be basic.

Diggy: What the fuck is that name? That’s a nickname right? Looks like Christopher Darden from the People vs OJ with those glasses. Won a “sexual positions” contest in Cancun on spring break once. You should be able to put that on your resume to impress the hiring manager in HR. Was stranded on a toiler for hours in fifth grade – that seems like a problem that could be solved with the complex solution of “standing up” (don’t fret, FDR had trouble with that one too). Once slept with a girl and pretended to be asleep when she received a text her brother was missing so he didn’t have to help find him. I have nothing to add.

Eric: When asked if he’s a party starter, wingman or the laidback one, said he could be it all, the life of the party. Did not understand the question. When asked if he could live in another time period, said “before money was involved.” Didn’t understand that question either.

Fred: Carlton Banks-looking motherfucker. I so desperately wanted to leave this at that, but this is treasury trove of details. His biggest feat is having his card declined – he is fucking Carlton. For some God-forsaken reason, discussed getting boners at work. I cannot see the gain of revealing this bit of information. Now we’re all thinking of your boner tucked into the waistband of your slacks under your desk and we’re all uncomfortable. Perfect date is Pappadeux, which is a Gulf-regional seafood place. It’s terrible. Get it together Carlton. His favorite artist is Jean Michel Basquiat which, as I’m sure our more astute readers have recalled, is the SAME THING RACHEL SAID LAST YEAR IN HER BIO. Carlton did his homework, because of course he fucking did, because he’s Carlton.

Grant: Looks like Dan from Gossip Girl. Man, what a great show that was. Shit in an open 2-liter bottle in Peru on a tour bus. I bet that story sounded a lot better in your head. His favorite magazine is “Playboy ;)” – very subtle, I’m sure no one picked up on the fact you beat off like a thirteen-year-old in 1984. I originally thought these questions were answered verbally, but the emoji suggests these were written out, which makes it so much worse. These answers were premediated, reviewed, smugly approved of, and then submitted. These people are all terrible.

Iggy: Cross-eyed 5’11’’ Hispanic guy. I’m sure he’ll do well here. Like Carlton, I so wanted to leave my clever remark at that, but this dude also felt the burning urge to write out about getting boners during a presentation. What the hell is with these dudes talking about boners? Again, he wrote that down, thought that was a good answer, and was satisfied with himself to submit this to a national audience. I would say have some dignity, but at least we all know his dick works.

Jack Stone: Okay what the fuck is with the nicknames. His name cannot be Jack Stone. Is it “Jackstone,” but mistyped somewhere in the application process? Did he change his name? I could go one, but one look at his face, and I agree this motherfucker is probably really named Jack Stone, and he is immensely proud of it. He’s the worst. Has a dead mom, which he will undoubtedly try to parlay into sympathy after everyone immediately hates him because his name is JACK FUCKING STONE. I will not be able to get pass the name.

Jamey: When asked who else he would be for a day, he said someone less fortunate to appreciate life more. Jamey seems like he might struggle to empathize with other human beings and a possible murderer. Once got caught masturbating. These dudes are so DAMN PROUD of their dicks. After this, I’m going to write the next great American novel about my dick just to really up the scales.

Jedidiah: Another stupid name. His former dogs were all “over ½ wolf” which makes him tough, you see. This dude is loaded, as he humble brags his way through each question – had sex (again congrats bro) “off the continental divide on a glacier in the mountains,” built his parents a 5,000 foot home in Montana, and, I’m going to post this verbatim because it’s incredible, “South Africa is incredible. Raw and beautiful; great coffee, tea, wine, fruit, food, beautiful animals and landscapes, amazing people and very real problems like HIV and violence.” Just incredible. I am struggling to come up with something witty or clever to add to that, but it’s pretty hilarious on it’s own.

Jonathan: His face is too big, and currently demonstrating what I imagine the recipient of a surprise colonoscopy would look like. Stated occupation: Tickle Monster, actual occupation: hiding from authorities after breaking out of prison for a laundry list of sexual crimes.

Josiah: This guy has a real chance. Prosecuting attorney, his answers are normal, but personal enough to lead to character-building later in the season. I got nothing.

Kenny: Professional wrestler. I so hope he is a luchador with the overdramatic, brightly color masked, and that his entrance involves him introducing himself as Kenny, but you may know him better as… EL JEFFE GIGANTE! AYE DIOS MIA! Watch out for the piledriver Rachel, don’t let him get an armbar on you! Anyway, he likes Denzel Washington and the Rock, because everyone likes them and those are boring opinions.

Kyle: Looks like Grant Hill. Has strong opinions on gluten, but immediately prefaces that statement with not knowing what it is or what it is found in. Ex got him into BDSM, but based on the prior statement, I imagine he has no idea what that is either.

Lee: Looks like the type of person who what say some racist-ass shit, and then explain how it wasn’t racist. Has exceptional reverence for someone (something?) only identified as “Mamaw”, who might be a wily yet feared dinosaur from Land of the Lost.

Lucas: Looks like the gayest Jonas brother. Lists his occupation as “Whaboom.” GET SERIOUS LUCAS THIS IS FOR LOVE GET A REAL JOB. If he could have lunch with one person, he selected dead: Bruce Jenner, alive: Caitlyn Jenner. I choose to believe he just independently looks up to these as two different people and has yet to learn about the switch. Weirdly, this is the second guy to mention how much he doesn’t like the Situation from the Jersey Shore. I imagine he was working on his answers when the Situation was charged with tax fraud a few months ago. Very creative, these fellas! Ideal woman would look like Jessica Rabbit. The gayest Jonas brother and I apparently have the same taste. I don’t know what this says about me.

Matt: Long neck. Likes Justin Timberlake, John Mayer and TRAIN. Now, I’m going to avoid a tangent, because Train is one step from Coldplay. I’m moving on before I flip out. Fuck you Alex AND Matt.

Michael: Like Denzel, because everyone likes Denzel. Otherwise, boring as shit. He’ll go far because YAAAAAAAAAWN.

Milton: MILTON. He is a Hotel Recreation Supervisor, which is intend to interpret as the guy who cleans up sweaty towels at the Red Roof Inn on the side of the highway, yeah that one, you know where it is, where they found that body chopped up in the trunk the one time, yeah it WAS nuts, apparently they never solved it, it is creepy, anyway his name is Milton and who cares about the rest.

Mohit: Ahh the token vaguely Middle Eastern/Indian guy. We could likely figure it out, but he won’t be here long enough to care. The wildest thing he’s done in bed is “Tabasco.” Now, I’m more of a Frank’s Red Hot type of guy, but I have so many questions, but due to the sensitive nature of many of the readers, I will pass. Did he not know about whipped cream or chocolate syrup? Neither of those will burn any open holes (just kidding let’s make it weird).

Peter: Our first “business owner”! Will we ever find out what this business is? Absolutely not! Wants a date to be motherly, which is a fair desire in a mate but does sound really strange when you say aloud to someone you’re trying to fuck. Would want to be a football player because “it seems so easy.” Clearly does not know much about football or CTE.

Rob: Wants to be pursued. This is a great answer for someone about to be one of twenty-five contestants trying to pork one girl. Shows good self-awareness. Shoehorns how he’s a US alien, which seems like a bold thing to proclaim in year one of our Benevolent Leader Trump, but you do you Rob.

Will: Eh boring again. Way to end on a dry note, but also WAY TO END AT ALL this took way too long and I should find a hobby.